This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video Happy Hour: Lovingly Cultivating Stability of Heart-Mind. It likely contains inaccuracies.
The following talk was given by Nikki Mirghafori at the Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, California. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.
My name is Nikki Mirghafori. I am in Mountain View, California, on seated Ohlone1 land, welcoming you all to this edition of Happy Hour. As we always do, it’s our tradition to just warm up this space with our friendliness, with hellos, and saying where we’re zooming in from. So take it away.
We got Fred from Oakland, Don from D.C., and Hugh from San Diego. Welcome, you all. Wayne is temporarily in Richmond for a few days. Glad you’re joining. Neil is in New Hampshire. Mima from Yucca Valley. Kelly from Oakland. John from Belmont, up the road. Noella says hello from the happiest place on Earth, my bed. [Laughter] Welcome, Noella. Amelia says hi from Canada. Diana in New York, our East Coast contingent. Kevin says hi from Santa Clara. Claire in New York. Sara from snowy Toronto, good to see you again. Sophia and Jeff from Montclair in the East Bay Hills, my old stomping grounds. And El from Nevada City.
I feel like the space has been warmed up. Lots of hellos, lots of greetings from different places on this planet. Let’s transition to starting to practice together. Thank you, Neil, for posting information about the Happy Hour Google Groups. If you are new to Happy Hour, we have a low-traffic but high-in-heart mailing list that you are welcome to join to get announcements, references, and quotes and things like that.
Hello again and welcome. Lovely to be with you, lovely to feel your presence, dear Sangha.2
There are different themes I have in mind for today. Let’s sit together, and I’ll invite some themes that are related to the timing of the holidays. That’s the theme that will come in with the Happy Hour practice. So with that, let’s just begin.
Arrive in our bodies. Arriving in the body, settling in the body. Feeling our feet on the earth, our sit bones on the cushion. If you need to move and shift left and right, really find the center of gravity of your sit bones. Sitting upright, a sense of integrity, tall like a mountain. A sense of integrity, and yet relaxed. Letting the body be soft and relaxed, and yet upright.
Inviting the legs to soften, to offer their weight to the Earth. Feeling the touch points between feet and the Earth—grounded, stable, well-rooted. Feeling our sit bones touching the cushion, the chair. Well-rooted, feeling stable. Feeling stable and upright in our bodies. Stability that’s also soft. Strong back, soft belly. A sense of gentleness, openness in our heart, our front being soft and open, and our back, our backbone, being stable, grounded, supportive.
And inviting breath to move through just as it wants to move through. With each breath, feeling more stability, more groundedness. If it helps, this next invitation, try it on for size: imagining that there is a vertical pole. Your torso is this vertical pole. It’s stable and well-grounded, rooted into the Earth. And not so much hard, but it’s a statement of stability. Feeling yourself energetically, your energy body, your feeling of your body energetically collect. Stable, grounded around the central pole. It’s helping you stay tethered.
The idea here is, as a gift to ourselves, as a gift to others, cultivating stability at a time during holidays when it can be stressful, perhaps. So much happening, pulled here, there, this way, that way. Taking time for stabilizing, taking time for refuge with each breath. It’s a gift to ourselves and others. Gentle, kind stability. That’s the theme. Gentle, kind stability is a gift to ourselves and others.
Connecting gently, lovingly with each in-breath and out-breath. Cultivating gentle, kind stability. Taking refuge in just being here, this present moment, not past, not future, as a gift to ourselves and others. As a loving gift. So if you were calling yourself, “Sweetheart, I care for you so much, and I’m going to take this time to stabilize the heart and mind in the present moment with the breath as a gift to you, as a gift of myself.” See how we can shift the attitude so that it doesn’t become a grim duty to sit, but as a gift of generosity, of love to yourself and others you interact with. Just stabilize, be grounded, present fully with the breath as much as possible during this practice. No judgments.
And if you find the mind is traveling back and forth, future and past, again, reconnecting with kindness, love to yourself. “Sweetheart, I care for you so much, for your heart-mind, that I’m cultivating, inviting you to connect with the breath in the present moment so you can take refuge, dear one.” Calling yourself dearly, however feels appropriate, as if you were speaking to a beloved other, addressing yourself, supporting yourself to train yourself thus, to train your mind thus.
What happens if you speak to yourself encouragingly and kindly, as if you’re speaking to a younger child and helping them be trained in a skill they were learning? Same encouragement, kindness, warmth. Especially if it’s unfamiliar, give it a try. See what happens. Even if it seems ridiculous, try it. See what happens.
Then after you support yourself to connect with the breath, the body, this present moment, then stay, relishing the sense of refuge here and now.
Notice where the mind is now. Is it thinking, remembering, planning? Gently say, “Sweetheart, come, come settle. Settle. Connect with the breath, the body.” Another few minutes of just settling and feeling that this moment is enough. Nothing needs to be accomplished. Taking refuge, cultivating stability and presence for the sake of yourself and others.
And we enjoy just being here and being breathed.
As we turn to bring this sitting period to a close, appreciating that we’ve showed up, we’ve done our best. And whatever happened or did not happen, to accept it just as it was, just as it had to be, given all the causes and conditions of our mind. And appreciating that we’ve planted seeds, planted seeds of wholesomeness which will flower in their own time. Letting go of any judgment and appreciating also the community that’s supporting us and practicing with us. Dedicating the goodness, trusting there is goodness co-created from our practice together, and dedicating this goodness to the well-being of all beings everywhere. May all beings be well. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free, including myself.
Thanks, everyone. Thanks for your practice.
So as I mentioned earlier, there were various themes in my mind, and what seemed most applicable now was this idea of cultivating stability, especially during the holidays when there’s so much happening. There could be stress, there could be just so much happening. So the best gift we can give ourselves, flowing through ourselves into others, is to establish a sense of stability, calm, groundedness, not to get reactive when things go wrong, which inevitably they do, because this is the human life.
So this gift of stability, gift of groundedness, and the twist tonight was the invitation to do it really lovingly. Really lovingly addressing ourselves kindly, gently, as if a beloved other, as if a child who’s being trained in something and just not quite getting it right. “Okay, sweetheart, it’s all right. Yeah, this is great. Keep cultivating being in the present moment.” So that aspect of Mettā,3 not so much in the phrases, “May you be well, may I be well, may I be happy,” but in the way we relate to the practice of stability. As, “Oh, just because I care for you, dear one, I care for you so much, I’m inviting you to be in the present moment.”
And I invited you during the practice to actually try that on, even if it felt ridiculous or unfamiliar, to address yourself kindly to see what happened, what might have lit up. Because as I did that, though I address myself kindly, but really in this practice, I addressed myself just really reminding myself that, “Yeah, this is for your benefit, dear. We’re doing this for your benefit.” Oh, yeah, something shifted. Something became available that was quite lovely.
So now we have some time to connect with community in small groups, if we want. It’s a reminder that we’re practicing Mettā in small groups as well, as a continuation of our practice. Treating the small groups also as practice; they’re not separate. It’s not like you just practice and now go and be in the rooms and just chat. No, no, no. This is also a formal practice: how we relate to others, how we relate to ourselves. It’s really part of this interactive way of practicing. It’s where the rubber meets the road. I would even go as far as saying that maybe our meditation practice is preparation for this higher bar practice of relational practice. How do we show up? Do we show up with kindness and care for ourselves, kindness and care for others?
So with mindfully listening and speaking, being embodied, allowing some of the awareness to be in the body, embracing compassion, notice with kindness if there’s internal reactions or discomfort, holding yourself and others with compassion, and staying on the topic.
The topic for tonight is the practice that we did, the invitations to really address yourself kindly, gently, as if you’re mentoring yourself to stay in the present and not becoming reactive or impatient. “Okay, sweetheart, I care for you,” and really reconnecting with the intention, “It’s for my own good.” How was that? Did that connect? Did something light up? If not, it’s perfectly fine. You’re sharing for the benefit of yourself, to be held, witnessed. Many times when we speak out loud, other insights come in that we hadn’t realized when we’re silent.
Take turns briefly sharing, concisely, allowing space for others. Each person will go in reverse alphabetical order according to first name. Each person will say just a tiny bit, or you can say “pass,” and then the next person, avoiding cross-talk, not giving advice, interrupting, or commenting, just keeping this space safe. It’s not so much what you say, but how you show up for one another.
You can also comment on how the cultivation of stability is for you right now. Do you feel the need for that? Maybe that would be another theme to go around one more time, to see the value in cultivating non-reactivity and stability, especially in these times.
Welcome back, everyone. The rooms are closed, everybody’s back, and we have some time for reflections. How was that? What did you learn about this way of practicing? You can comment if you wish from the first part of your practice when you were in silence and meditating and trying something new on for size, or in the community sharing and hearing yourself share, and perhaps more insights coming up from the interaction. You can either share in chat or raise your Zoom hand if you want to share reflections. What happened? Any questions, comments, complaints? It’s all welcome.
A participant shared: I have a “lit up” experience. At the very end of the meditation, I’m usually very much in touch with my left side and often focus on my left arm. It sort of lights up my whole left side. At the very end of the meditation, all of a sudden my right side was lit up, alive, and it was amazing. I wasn’t even thinking of doing that, it just happened, which made me feel very whole. So thank you.
Nikki responded: Nice, thank you so much for sharing this. This is so lovely and interesting. Did you find that your mind was getting more settled through this practice before the other side became lit up?
The participant replied: Yes, because it was at the very end, and yeah, I was getting more and more settled.
Nikki continued: Yeah, it’s lovely. When the mind gets more and more settled, it seems like these energetic channels open up in our body, energetic channels that we don’t have so much conscious control over. Trying to activate the other side that’s not really lit up… whereas when we really, really settle, there’s a sense of contentment in the body. The body’s like, “Oh, here is a flower. I’m going to balance out the energies without you really trying, dear.” So it’s a lovely gift. Thanks for sharing that. And that tells me that your mind was really settling. Yeah, that’s really lovely. Beautiful. Thank you, Kim.
Diana shared: In my meditation, I had a light bulb go off. It went boing like that. And what it was, for quite some time I’ve heard you use the term “sweetheart” in connection with others. And I’ve used that somewhere along the line in life. I learned to say “sweetheart” to maybe dear friends or a family member or a cat in a natural way. And the light bulb was that I would never think of using that term with myself, ever. And then it went, “Oh.” And so that’s much for me to reflect on. What an obstruction there must be to not even think of it or think of myself with a term of endearment, other than, you know, whatever, because you drop something or whatever, you can’t do something like that. Never would have thought of that. So it’s much to appreciate about this. It was really quite jarring to realize that. So thank you.
Nikki responded: Thank you, Diana. Beautiful. I’m so happy for you that it’s being seen. That is a huge insight, right? For it to become available. Because we usually go along our lives and we don’t examine the way we’re addressing ourselves. To see that, “Oh, dear.” And now that you’ve seen it, you cannot unsee it, which is… and it’s fine. It being jarring is okay, as long as you’re gentle with yourself. “Sweetheart, this is jarring. It still feels awkward right now. It’s just awkward when I’m trying it, but I’m going to keep trying.” It’s not like natural yet.
It will now that you’ve, you know, with this practice in this tradition, really awareness is the lead. It leads everything else. When you become aware, everything else will follow on its own, naturally. It’s not so much a push and shove and trying to make it happen. So now that you have become aware that this feels like an unfamiliar pattern or an unfamiliar way to address yourself with kindness and with endearment, ah, there’s awareness, there’s Sati,4 there’s mindfulness. And trust that the rest of it will unfold on its own. You don’t have to push and shove and really try it so hard. So let it, it will unfold for you. I have no doubt. Yeah, beautiful. Thanks, Diana. Thanks so much for sharing that beautiful insight.
Noella says, “My group is exactly the right group tonight. How lucky we all are to be here together. Thank you, everyone.” Oh, it’s so sweet. Makes my heart happy. Thank you, Noella.
Amy says, “The practice was beautiful and my breakout room was so supportive. I feel so grateful to have this community and these practices through the holidays.” Yay, me too. Much love to you all. So beautiful. Yeah, really a resource, such a great resource to have each other, community. Hence, one of the triple jewels. That makes sense. Not just the teachings, not just ourselves, reliance in ourselves, the Buddha within, but the community, beautiful community.
Any other reflections, questions, comments? Are we close? Going once, going twice… Okay, seems complete. Thank you so much, everyone, for coming together, sharing your heart for the sake of yourself, cultivating gentle, kind stability, and for the sake of others. And these beautiful insights arise when we have stability and kindness for the sake of ourselves and others. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free, including ourselves. Thanks, everyone.
Ohlone: The collective name for the Indigenous peoples who have inhabited the coastal region of Northern California, from the San Francisco Bay to Monterey Bay, for thousands of years. ↩
Sangha: A Pali and Sanskrit word that means “community” or “assembly.” In Buddhism, it refers to the community of practitioners, which can include monks, nuns, and laypeople. It is one of the Three Jewels of Buddhism. ↩
Mettā: A Pali word often translated as “loving-kindness,” “friendliness,” or “goodwill.” It is a state of unconditional and unselfish love for all beings, without attachment or expectation of return. ↩
Sati: A Pali word that translates to “mindfulness” or “awareness.” It is the faculty of remembering to be present and attentive to the current moment. ↩