This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video Happy Hour: Appreciation & Loving-Kindness Retrospective at Year’s End. It likely contains inaccuracies.
The following talk was given by Nikki Mirghafori at the Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, California. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.
Hello, everyone. It’s lovely to see you and be with you, dear Saṅgha1, in these last days of this year. Given that towards the end of the year there’s always this sense of looking forward and looking back, I wanted to invite us to reflect with mettā2, with kindness, with goodwill, and with a sense of appreciation.
Looking back at this year, we can think of people who have been kind and supportive, who have given us some gift. Also, as I will invite us in the guided meditation in a moment, sometimes we can look back at the year and realize that we have grown through some challenges we’ve had with some people. Can we have mettā, goodwill, and gratitude for them stretching us? Again, that’s not necessary; you don’t have to go to that part of the practice. But maybe start where it’s easy, where the practice is really easy, and look back with a sense of appreciation and goodwill for those who have been of support and have been part of our path this year.
So that’s the invitation. You know, all sources are coming with top 10 lists and this and that, and we do mettā, we do retrospective mettā for ourselves. Of course, for ourselves. I’d like to invite us to consider mettā for ourselves over this past year. There must have been challenges—we’re human beings, we all have challenges in the body, mind, and perhaps relationships—and also sharing our care for ourselves and others in the sense of looking back.
With that, I want to invite us to lean into our embodiment, arriving and landing in our body in this moment in time. How is this body? How is this heart? Can we arrive and land in this moment in time in our bodies?
Feeling the earth under our feet, feeling grounded. Feeling our sit bones on the chair or the cushion. Inviting the body to relax and to receive the breath in the belly. Inviting the breath to be as it is—shallow, deep, it doesn’t matter. Inviting a sense of relaxation in the body, in our face. Inviting our face to soften, our neck, our shoulders. Inviting our heart to soften and relax.
Receiving this breath as if it were a gift, because it is a gift that’s keeping us alive. The sense of appreciation for just this breath, this moment. Letting it be very simple. The mind can settle with the ease of the nourishment of just receiving this breath. Let’s hang out with this breath with appreciation and settle, like a cocoon, cocooning with our breath in this moment, in our bodies.
Feeling, really feeling the breath in our belly, filling up our lungs, bringing life, a life force. Appreciating this breath. And can there be appreciation for all the breaths in this body? All the breaths that have come and gone, just like this one, this one right here. This breath. All the breaths that have supported us, nourished us. The breaths when we were happy, the breaths we breathed when we were sad. The breath we breathed when we were alone or with others—friends, family, perhaps. Whether we were having ease or we’re having challenges, those breaths. Appreciating all those breaths, all of them, without discrimination. Not preferencing the breaths we breathed when we were this way or the other. All the breaths. Appreciating all the breaths this past year, just like this one.
And perhaps, appreciating this breath and really inhabiting fully this breath. All the previous breaths breathed this past year have brought us to this one, this very one right here. Thank you. Thank you, breath. Thank you, life. Whatever the circumstances, ups and downs, the adventure. It’s always an adventure.
And with appreciating the breath here in this moment, and all the previous moments of this year leading up to this one, this breath, can we appreciate ourselves? All the versions of ourselves that have showed up and become this past year, through the struggles, through the gifts, blessings, through the challenges, through the joys. All the versions of ourselves. Can we appreciate them with gratitude, with mettā, with goodwill? “Thank you, dear. You’ve done your best.”
All these versions, as if we’re looking into two mirrors that are set in front of one another, echoing and mirroring lots and lots of versions of ourselves spreading into this past year. All these versions—happy ones, sad ones, all of them. “Thank you. Thank you. I love you.” Or perhaps, “I appreciate you. May you be well. I appreciate that you’ve done your best. I accept you with goodwill.” Whatever version works for you, see what works for you. Can there be an openness, as if we’re embracing these versions of ourselves with open arms?
You don’t have to necessarily think of them, so that this doesn’t become a thinking meditation, but as if we’re opening our arms and greeting a whole bunch of, say, children—all these versions. Just spreading mettā, spreading goodwill, spreading appreciation without thinking about scenarios. Just opening our hearts to all of them. See what phrase works for you: “Thank you, I appreciate you,” or “Thank you, I accept you,” or “Thank you, I love you,” or your own version.
And remember to stay here, in the present moment, your seat of the presence, the seat of the present, the seat of your presence.
Now, if you would like, invite into your heart space one or two people perhaps in this past year who’ve been supportive on your path. Open the door, see who wants to come and receive mettā and appreciation. Maybe there’s the image of you opening the door of your heart, and they just come in and sit silently in this room of your heart that’s warmed up with goodwill and appreciation. And they just receive, just sit and receive as you’re sitting and offering goodwill to yourself and others. Very simple.
Maybe other versions, younger versions of you, also walk into your heart space and sit in the room of your heart silently and receive goodwill, care, mettā, love. All who have entered, sitting silently, just receiving your goodwill, appreciation, care, love.
If it feels appropriate, perhaps let someone in who supported you by stretching you a bit and showing the areas that you can continue to grow in wisdom and compassion. If it feels okay to let them in, if it’s not destabilizing, do so. Otherwise, no need. Stay where you are. Maybe they’ve showed you ways that patience can still grow in you. It’s okay. Or feel free to just let it be those who are already present in your heart’s chamber, sharing mettā, goodwill.
As we turn to bring this meditation to a close, appreciate yourself for having showed up, regardless of what happened or did not happen. It’s okay. Trusting that you’re planting seeds of goodwill, kindness. They’ll flower in their own time.
May the goodness of our practice together be a cause and condition for happiness, for wisdom, for compassion, for freedom for all beings everywhere. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free, including ourselves.
Everyone, thank you for your practice. Lovely to sit with you.
So the invitation today was first to stabilize in the body, feeling the breath. Then I invited you to feel this breath right here, right now, with a sense of appreciation—this life-giving breath. And then the invitation from there was appreciation for all the breaths that have led up to this moment, all these breaths in this past year, no matter what the state of mind was. And that way, perhaps more appreciation came for yourself, different versions of yourself that were doing their best through this year. And cultivating goodwill, kindness, appreciation for ourselves through this different, creative way of seeing these versions of ourselves, as if two mirrors were in front of one another and we’re seeing many, many versions.
Then I invited you to imagine perhaps that there was a chamber in your heart, and people from this past year walking into this space that was filled with care and acceptance and appreciation, that they were just walking in silently and being in this field of mettā. And then at the very end, I asked you, if it felt appropriate and not destabilizing, to invite someone who perhaps stretched you a bit this past year, challenged you to see that there are still ways that I can grow in wisdom, compassion, forgiveness, patience, whatever it might be, but not to push it if it didn’t feel okay. You could invite them. And that was the arc, the entire arc of our practice together.
I would love to, after we come out of the small groups, hear your remarks on how your practice went.
In a moment, as we’ll head into the rooms, just a reminder for us to practice mettā in the small group spaces as well, embracing compassion for ourselves and for each other. Stay on topic, and the topic, the invitation is: how was this practice for you? Were there spaces that it really opened up for you of reflection? Were there places that perhaps a new perspective came up?
If you’d like to share, again, for the purpose of your own reflection going deeper when you are held and witnessed by others, our own insights can go deeper. Please take turns briefly. We’ll go in reverse alphabetical order according to first name, offering one nugget, or you can also say “pass.” No problem. And avoid cross-talk, not giving each other advice, maintaining a safe space, and going in order, not interrupting, etc. Practicing mettā for yourselves and for each other. When you go into small groups, please turn on your cameras for one another. Having the cameras off does not support a sense of trust in small groups.
So back to the topic. The question is, did something come up? Was there something about one of the invitations, perhaps a perspective that shifted and opened up for you? And if not, you can say “pass,” or maybe the mind was distracted, you fell asleep. It’s okay, no problem. It’s perfectly fine. Just showing up with kindness for yourself and for one another is really the crux of this practice. You can say, “I fell asleep, but it’s okay. It’s all right. I’m still showing up in a small group.” So it’s all about cultivating goodwill for ourselves and one another.
I’ll share with you my practice report. For me, it was actually quite interesting as I was leading and practicing with you, this sense of the mirror, as if I was seeing lots of different versions of this being who is me this past year. And again, not thinking about it, but the sense of the fullness of so many circumstances and this appreciation of, “Ah, great, wow. Thank you. Thank you, you’ve done your best. Thank you, I care for you. Thank you, I love you.” And I was following as I was giving you the guidance with people entering—so many people I’m grateful for, but I stopped at some point because I didn’t want my meditation to get too busy. And at the end, I did invite someone who’s gently stretched me a bit this year to realize, “Oh, there’s more room to grow.” Of course, there’s always more room to grow in patience. So that’s my practice report. I was modeling for what you could be sharing if you wanted to, but share like one nugget, let somebody else go. I shared the whole thing in one go just because I’m sending you now to practice in small groups.
Welcome back, everyone. The rooms are closed, everybody’s back. Lovely to see you. The floor is yours. Any reflections you want to share for the benefit of each other, sharing your practice, questions, complaints—everything is welcome. You can use your Zoom hand if you like. I’m also going to open chat so that you can post in chat either to me privately or to everyone in the group.
Noella: Hi. This isn’t necessarily on topic, but I’ve really been working on mettā. I have two sons who sometimes really push back on how much love I want to give them, and that constipates my emotional river because they seem to dam it in their own way. I feel like if they don’t receive it, it’s hard for me to pulse it out. I feel that for all of you who are sending out mettā, I’m receiving it so that you don’t get that sense of constipation of your goodwill. I’m totally receiving it. I just want you guys to know that, how much difference it makes for me and how undamned and how free-flowing my love is for you, just because I’m receiving your love for me. And it’s just totally a life practice now. So, thank you.
Nikki: Yeah, thank you, Noella. Thank you so much for sharing. Oh, so beautiful, your gratitude for the community and this allowing of the flow. When there is openness, when there is allowing the openness to receiving, there’s more ease both in the giving and the receiving. So actually, receiving mettā is a gift. And with your sons, I wanted to invite you to consider something, if I may. Here’s an invitation: what if you accepted and had mettā for their resistance? Because giving mettā is unconditional. It doesn’t have to look a particular way. And sometimes if we insist on it looking a particular way and others are not ready to receive that particular way, then there is resistance. But if you say, “Okay, I love you no matter what,” it’s so… bringing more discernment is my invitation. This may not be the case, it might be totally off the wall, but sometimes we want to love in our way, and people want to be loved in their way, right? So can you love them in the way they want to be loved, which is with equanimity, with a lot of equanimity, with no strings attached?
Noella: Absolutely no strings attached loving is my work of a lifetime.
Nikki: Yeah, always learning. Especially being a parent of adult children, a high dose of equanimity is needed in the mettā, which is like this spaciousness, a lot of spaciousness in the mettā. Yeah, thank you so much, Noella. Thank you also for receiving. It was so beautiful.
Barbara: Our breakout group liked the cue of sending mettā to all the aspects of you during your year or during the lifetime. And for me, it’s so pertinent for now because it’s at the end of the year. And tomorrow, I’m going to look at my day planner and look, “Oh, I showed up. Oh, I helped out. Oh, I volunteered. Oh, I read a book,” and get a sense of ways in which I was following the path that I had set out and what was important to me and still is important to me. And by looking at that and feeling gratitude for this person, or appreciation for this person who did those things, it’s very nice. Thank you, Nikki.
Nikki: Thank you, Barbara. All these versions of Barbara, really lovely, right? Yeah, just look back with the sense of a beloved other. “Wow, this person, they had these intentions and they showed up, they did these things. Wow. Oh, dear sweetheart, thank you.” Wow, right? Appreciating earlier versions of ourselves. That’s lovely. Thank you, Barbara. It’s very sweet.
Fred: Yeah, thanks, Nikki. You too. Maybe just to state the obvious, that of everybody here, the Saṅgha was one of the groups of people that I was so grateful to for, you know, daily and your daily support. And that’s really a lot, you know, there are a lot of days in that we gathered this year. And that’s been really consistent and solid, and I just feel really grateful for that. I’m grateful to you too, of course.
Nikki: Thank you, Fred. Thank you for naming the Saṅgha. Wow, so powerful, right? So powerful to be gathering so many days of this year. Wow, my heart just lights up. Thanks for naming it. It’s so obvious that we sometimes forget it, right? So, beautiful. And of course, I’m grateful for all of you. This is a co-creation. I wouldn’t be here if you weren’t showing up, if you weren’t here. So, vice versa. Thank you, Fred.
Maria: The thing that came up for me when I considered the growth from somebody who challenged me this year was my daughter. She’s 34, and we have a tendency, both of us—I think she got it from me—to talk over each other when we’re talking. And so we both sort of feel frustrated because we’re not really listening well to each other because we have too much to say. And so I made a decision about six months ago to just be quiet and to listen to her. And I even put on her phone number on my contact list, instead of her last name, it says her first name, which is Miranda, and then “deep listening.” And when she calls, I get this, “Miranda’s calling, deep listening.” And it’s not perfect, but it’s better.
Nikki: Nice, beautiful. Oh, yay! That’s so beautiful to have this reminder. And you know, deep listening is an act of love, it’s an act of mettā. It’s an act of just receiving. And according to various theories, when we change, other people change, right? There are these systems, these dynamics, these family systems that we have. So sometimes we want to change the other person, and we can’t change the other, but if we change, oh, guess what? They’re going to change in response to that. It’s like, “Oh, wow, this person is listening, so I don’t have to be as angry or as whatever, talk at them. Like, they’re actually listening. I can relax.” It’s just magic can happen. So I just love that, Maria, and I just love that you added that to the phone number and the name. It’s brilliant.
So dear ones, maybe time for one more reflection or offering before we close.
This feels complete. And I’m so inspired, actually. As Maria was sharing, it came up for me… so many of you know that I love teaching about mindfulness of mortality, that you know, this could be the last time I talk with this person. This could be the last time. And there’s people who are very dear in my life. And what if I added after their name, “This could be the last conversation,” right? Just like, oh, really just loving them even more, appreciating. Not to the point of anxiety, but just the sense of, yeah, I really care for this person, and any conversation could be a last conversation. So just making sure people I care about know that I love them.
With that, thank you all. Thank you for your practice, for cultivating goodwill and mettā for your own sake and the sake of all beings whose lives yours touches. May our practice be a support, cause, and condition for all beings being happy, being free, including ourselves. Thanks, everyone.