This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video Gratitude for Noble Friends/Benefactors; Sangha 1/5: Power of Spiritual Friendship - Kalyāṇamittatā. It likely contains inaccuracies.
The following talk was given by Nikki Mirghafori at the Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, California. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.
Good morning, friends. Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, whatever time zone you might be in this moment in time. I am in the European time zone, and I’m zooming in from Tuscany in Italy. You hear the church bells, and there was a bit of a hiccup with the internet, so we started the YouTube a bit late, but right now we’re right on time, 7:00 a.m. California time, 4:00 p.m. Italian time.
So it’s wonderful to see you, wonderful to sit with you. I’m excited to be teaching this week, supporting the Sangha, and I’m excited about the theme this week. The theme is the theme of concord and harmony. We’ll flow this week with teachings about friendship, Kalyāṇamittatā1, how we are a good friend for others, and those aspects of harmony in community, in friendships, in relationships.
I know that Gil has been teaching for many weeks now on Samādhi2, very dear to my heart, and when he comes back, he’ll teach about Vipassanā3. So I figured we’ll bring in some of the relational aspects of practice this week together because they’re very, very important. As the Buddha said, spiritual friendship is not half of the holy life. I’ll talk about this more. It’s not half of the spiritual life; it’s 100% of the spiritual life, of this practice.
So I’ll say a lot more, but let’s land together. Let’s arrive together, dear community, coming in from so many different places in the world. It’s lovely to see all the hellos coming in; it warms my heart, especially as I mentioned I’m far away from home. So it’s very sweet to connect to the Sangha in this way. It’s the first time I’m teaching while I’m away internationally.
With that, I want to invite all of us to feel our connection to one another. We belong to one another, and we belong to this earth. Inviting ourselves to arrive and to settle. Settle in our body. To feel the connection of our feet, if we’re sitting in a chair, with the earth. I’m here on this earth. Wherever I am on this earth, I am home. I belong.
Feeling the sense of connection, allowing your body to relax, to land. To feel the land wherever you are, to feel the air that’s nourishing your lungs wherever you are. Inviting ourselves to land, to settle with each in-breath and each out-breath, more fully into the body, to the earth. This body, earth element on earth.
Whatever is arising in this moment in the mind, in the heart, can we gently lay it down just for a moment? Allow ourselves to be nourished simply by being, simply by being alive, by being breathed. Can this be enough? More than enough, plenty. Simply to be alive in the midst of the full catastrophe. Release what is not needed. There is so much that is not needed.
We’ll settle for a few more minutes with the body, the sense of the body and the breath, before I invite the reflection. Let’s keep settling.
Continuing to settle, to release. Release any tension in the body. Release thoughts, preoccupations that are just not needed right now. Thank you, I’ll come back to you later. Dropping into the heart, to the body, to the earth. Feeling the deliciousness of just being here, the joy of presence. So simple. Feeling our belly, our sit bones, our feet, our hands, our breath in our belly.
Now, I would like to invite us to brighten our heart and mind. To drop in this reflection into our heart, into our belly, our abdomen, as if dropping a pebble in a pond. This is not a heady reflection, but drop it in and see what happens. Not to think about this reflection, but drop it in. Let yourself be silent. Let it resonate.
The reflection is this: bringing to heart a friend or a benefactor who has been there for you at some point in your life, who has supported you through their presence, their kindness, their guidance. Perhaps if you’re considering a benefactor, they’ve protected and guided you. Or if a good friend, a Kalyāṇa-mitta, they’ve been there for you with their heart, with their full presence, with kindness, reflecting your own goodness.
Dropping this reflection into your heart and listening for what arises. Just sitting with what arises. Not making stories, not thinking, but just sitting with the goodness, with the gladness, with the gratitude of what arises with this connection. Let the goodness of this being, this person at that point in your life, brighten your heart. The nourishment of friendship, of connection. Simply this.
And sit with this brightness with your breath. Breathing in, breathing out. Grounded in the body, in the heart. Breathing in the goodness of this being. Breathing out with joy, sharing the goodness of this being, as if you’re spreading this gladness of the heart with the world. As if you’re silently shouting through your breath, “Dear world, what a beautiful human being. What a beautiful connection.”
And if your heart has a tendency to go towards the negative, bring it back. You can do this. Bring it back. Stay with relishing the good, not all the ways that people have failed. Stay with the good. There is lots of good, always.
Notice if the goodness of this connection, this gratitude, this brightness of this heart-to-heart connection can spread, can be felt throughout your body. Be patient.
If you notice different friends want to come into your heart space, that’s okay. But spend a good while with each friend, not jumping from one to the next. Spend time with them in your heart to welcome them. Appreciate their goodness. Sit in their goodness, their brightness, their kindness, their generosity, their care. And if your heart starts to close, thinking, “Oh, I don’t deserve this,” yes, you do. We all do. It’s hard enough being human. Don’t get in your own way.
Then, as we turn to bring this sit to a close together, appreciating whoever came up in your heart as a good friend or good friends, benefactor or benefactors. Appreciating the connection, the goodness in this world that you’ve been privy to, you’ve been a part of, you’ve been a recipient, you’ve been a co-creator. Receiving kindness, giving kindness, presence. Resting in this goodness, whatever arose.
And also appreciating whatever arose. Even if the opposite arose, it’s okay. It’s exactly what needed to arise in this moment. Can I be okay? Can I release? Can I relax around how things have come to be in this moment? Not fighting, not resisting. Embracing, opening my heart wide to embrace whatever is, whatever has come to be, born of causes and conditions. Can there be goodness in this moment?
Appreciating being in community, sitting in community in this moment. And appreciating yourself for having showed up, having been a good friend to yourself, a benefactor to yourself, to have brought yourself here to this practice. So much goodness. Kalyāṇa, so much goodness. Kusala4, so much goodness, beauty, wholesomeness. Appreciating yourself, appreciating one another, appreciating appreciation.
May all beings benefit from the fruit of my practice in ways I cannot fathom. May all beings be well. May all beings be free.
Okay, there’s the church bell for the very end of our practice. How perfect is that?
Hello, friends from around the world. If you joined us late or very late, welcome. As I mentioned, I’m in Tuscany, Italy. It’s in the afternoon, and I had some challenges with the internet earlier, but hopefully, it’s smooth now.
For today’s theme, I’d like to expand on the power of spiritual friendship, Kalyāṇamittatā. In the Buddha’s dispensation, the Sāsana5, the cultivation of virtue and wisdom is inseparable from the nurturing of wise companionship. Spiritual friendship is not merely support, but it’s the entire holy life. It’s the entirety of this path.
As this beautiful story goes, Ānanda6, who was the Buddha’s attendant and cousin, one day approached the Buddha and remarked, “Admirable friendship is half of the holy life.” The Buddha corrected him and said, “Not so, Ānanda. Not so. This is the entire holy life. When a practitioner has admirable friends, companions, and comrades, it is to be expected that they will develop and cultivate the Noble Eightfold Path.”
And it makes sense, right? It’s so beautiful. I love the way Ānanda comes and says, “Oh, it’s half of it, right? It’s 50%.” And the Buddha says, “No, no, no. It’s the entire thing.” It’s spiritual friendship, it’s good friendship, it’s the wholesomeness of whom we associate with.
Modern psychological research aligns with this. A long longitudinal study shows that social connection is the most powerful predictor of mental health and even mortality, much more than success and fame and various other aspects. So there’s a wholesomeness to good connection. Right companionship isn’t just helpful; it is vital for our life, even for our survival. The study also talks about mortality; a lack of social connections correlates with a shorter lifespan and not as much health. We know this. We don’t need research to tell us this. But yet, it’s so interesting how the teachings of the Buddha emphasize how important connection is. In practice, we often go towards silent meditation. And yes, silent meditation is so important, but it exists in the context of connection. Spiritual friendships are not just 50% of the path; they’re 100% of the path. Wow.
So, Kalyāṇamittatā—the word kalyāṇa means beautiful or virtuous, and mittatā means friendship. So, Kalyāṇamittatā is beautiful, virtuous friendship. It’s an elevated bond that’s not just about going for a walk, though walks are nice. This kind of friendship is elevated to foster ethical and spiritual growth. Studies show that there is emotional co-regulation, that we unconsciously regulate our emotional state through trusted relationships. There is mutual attunement that calms our nervous system and strengthens our resilience. This deep emotional attunement is part of the gift of Kalyāṇamittatā, of this rich, beautiful, virtuous friendship.
In Buddhist terms, one can say that spiritual friends buffer us from afflicted emotions and steady our minds on the path. Isn’t that beautiful to consider? There are many benefits that spiritual friendships offer. It’s a buffer from afflictive emotions. Good, virtuous, ethical friends support us, bring us back. They inspire us through modeling, through their presence, through their own goodness.
There is what’s called the “soil principle.” We grow in accordance with our environment. We’re like seeds that grow in accordance with our environment. Just as a plant needs fertile soil and good conditions to flourish, a practitioner also needs an environment of virtue, wisdom, and kindness.
In the Majjhima Nikāya 95, the Cankī Sutta7, it highlights the importance of proximity to the wise. The Buddha says, “When one approaches, associates with, and attends upon the wise, one gains faith or trust, energy, mindfulness, concentration, and wisdom.” Isn’t that beautiful?
Similarly, modern research on social contagion reveals that our attitudes, our behaviors, and emotional states spread through our network, even unconsciously. A study by Fowler and Christakis in 2008, titled “Dynamic Spread of Happiness in a Large Social Network,” a longitudinal study over 20 years, found that happiness and unhappiness spread through social groups up to three degrees of separation. If you became happier, your emotional state shifted, and it impacted not just your friends, but your friends’ friends, and their friends—three degrees out. There was an impact. So there’s emotional contagion three levels out. And if they could have measured further, I’m willing to bet they would have seen influence.
This is why, at the end of the practice, when we dedicate the merit to the well-being of all beings everywhere in ways we cannot fathom, it’s not just those three levels out, but it’s the contagion many, many layers out. When we are cultivating kindness, peacefulness, care, stability, equanimity, wisdom, it ripples through the network.
The Buddha offers this metaphor of milk and water, the image of blending harmoniously. In the Aṅguttara Nikāya 8.54, the Buddha praises two monks and says, “Just as milk and water, when poured together, blend inseparably, so too they dwell, blending like milk and water, regarding each other with kindly eyes.” I love that. Regarding each other with kindly eyes.
In psychological research, there are studies on interpersonal synchrony, such as shared joy, shared laughter, coordinated movements, and emotional resonance, that foster profound feelings of unity and trust. So, like milk and water, as the Buddha talks about, harmonious Sangha life can arise when hearts and actions move in resonance, and we see ourselves and each other with kindly eyes.
There’s a lot more to say about this, which I’d like to unpack over the next few days. I want to leave us with a few reflective questions.
Who has been milk to your water, blending seamlessly with kindness, offering stability and protection?
How has the association with virtuous friends, Kalyāṇamittatā, opened the path of Dharma for me?
And here’s the last one. In what ways can I offer the qualities of Kalyāṇamittatā to others today? In what ways can I offer the qualities of good, virtuous, kind, beneficent friendship to others today?
That’s my invitation for today. Thank you so much, dear Sangha, for joining from all around. May you be well. May you be happy. May you be a good friend, a Kalyāṇa-mitta, to yourself and to others today. Be well. See you tomorrow at the same time.
Kalyāṇamittatā: A Pāli term that translates to “spiritual friendship” or “admirable friendship.” It refers to associating with wise and virtuous companions who support one’s path of practice. ↩
Samādhi: A Pāli word for concentration, unification of mind, or a state of deep meditative absorption. It is a key component of the Buddhist path. ↩
Vipassanā: A Pāli word meaning “insight” or “clear-seeing.” It refers to the practice of meditation aimed at developing insight into the true nature of reality, specifically the three marks of existence: impermanence (anicca), suffering (dukkha), and not-self (anattā). ↩
Kusala: A Pāli term meaning “skillful,” “wholesome,” or “virtuous.” It refers to actions and states of mind that are beneficial and lead to happiness and spiritual progress. ↩
Sāsana: A Pāli term for the dispensation, teachings, or doctrine of the Buddha. ↩
Ānanda: One of the Buddha’s principal disciples, his first cousin, and his personal attendant for over 25 years. He was renowned for his exceptional memory and played a crucial role in reciting and preserving the Buddha’s teachings after his passing. ↩
Cankī Sutta: A discourse from the Majjhima Nikāya (The Middle-Length Discourses of the Buddha). The original transcript mentioned “Changi Suta,” which has been corrected to the more common Pāli spelling. ↩