This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video Seeing with Another’s Heart; Sangha (3/5) Putting Oneself in the Place of Others (Ethical Empathy). It likely contains inaccuracies.
The following talk was given by Nikki Mirghafori at the Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, California. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.
Greetings friends. It’s a lovely afternoon here in Tuscany, and it was nice to start with the church bells. So hello, hello, hello. Good morning, good afternoon, buongiorno, buonasera, whatever time zone you’re in, wherever in this beautiful world of ours you’re in.
As I say that, I think of the lyrics, “What a wonderful world.” It’s a challenging world, it’s a beautiful world. It’s 10,000 joys, 10,000 sorrows.
It’s wonderful to be with you in this moment in time as we come together in this beautiful community that we have. Whether you’ve been coming to this teaching for many sessions, many weeks, many years, or if you’re new, welcome. Welcome, welcome. Let’s welcome ourselves. Let’s welcome each other. I so appreciate the spirit of welcoming each other, as I see in the chat all the good mornings and good afternoons and all the greetings.
So, continuing with our theme this week, the theme of Sangha1, one of the triple jewels, one of the most important aspects of practice: community, friendship, spiritual friendship, noble friendship, good friendship, kalyāṇamittatā2.
We’ve been practicing in those aspects the past couple of days. Today, I want to continue with this theme and explore the theme of ethical empathy, which is the foundation of friendship, of kindness, of mettā3, of compassion—which is putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes, whether it’s in friendship or in challenging situations.
So with that, I’d like to invite us into a meditation. As always, we’ll start by settling, arriving, landing in our bodies with the breath. And then I will share some reflections for us to drop into our bodies to work with. So with that, let’s begin. Let’s assume our meditation posture and arriving.
Oh, by the way, before we start, the internet can be a little choppy here. So, I will be opening my eyes now and then just to make sure I’m still on Zoom and YouTube. And if for some reason it goes down, I will restart it. So, just so you know that it might be challenging. So, here we go. Okay, let’s get started with our meditation.
Arriving. Arriving and landing. Children playing outside. I don’t know if the sound is carrying through. So arriving, arriving every moment. Arriving and landing in this body, in this moment in time.
Here I am on this earth. Feeling your own presence. The sense of presence, this ineffable and yet profound quality of our own presence. Arriving. Arriving each moment. Arriving and landing in this body, this moment in time.
Feeling embodied as the basis of our practice. And it’s not a heady topic, this embodiment; it’s really earthy. How is the body feeling? Can we infuse our feet with our awareness as our feet are touching the earth? Can we infuse our feet with knowing that they are being sensed? Can we infuse our hands with awareness, allowing sensations to rush in, to be known, to be gently, intimately known?
Infusing your sit bones with awareness. How we’re sitting, connected to the earth, allowing sensations of contact, touch, hardness, softness to be known. Simply to be known. Being grounded, earthed.
Allowing the breath to move through the body, infusing the body. Can we feel the sensations of breath—in-breath, out-breath—in the abdomen, our hands, our feet, our shoulders, in our chest? Can we allow the body to relax and really release? When we are tight in our body, we tend to get tight in our thoughts, in our mind. So relaxing the body supports relaxing of the mind, heart. So soften, drop what is not needed. Just check in. What’s not needed right now? Can I release it? And simply, humbly be with the breath. Receive the breath.
Now I would love to invite you, if you would, to drop in a reflection—again, not into our head but in our heart space. Inviting a good friend, a benefactor, perhaps someone you’ve been inviting the past couple of days or someone new, someone who’s easy to invite into your heart space. And sit with their goodness, with their kindness, with their compassion, with their wisdom, their loyalty, generosity of heart. Whatever aspect and whatever person comes to your heart, this aspect of their being—it doesn’t have to be every aspect of their being, but this one particular aspect. Sitting with them in your heart space, feeling their presence.
Receiving their presence in your heart space as if you’re sitting with them having tea. Receiving in your heart space their presence, their unique presence. Priming the heart.
And now, as if you were swapping places with them, as if you were them. It’s so random who we get to be, who we get to be born as. But as if you were them, embodying their presence, their sense of kindness, wisdom, whatever it is. Embodying them, embodying their heart, their mind, shining your awareness out of their eyes, out of their being. In this exploration, don’t make it too heavy. See what it feels like. Even a second of it can be opening.
What might it feel like to be them with a sense of kindness, generosity, patience, perhaps friendliness? Don’t think about it. Let it be embodied. Feel into it. Don’t think into it.
Feel into how this shifting of places might soften your heart, expand possibilities of ways of being. Again, not a heady, thinking practice. Just feeling into another being’s presence as if you were them. Breathing in their kindness, breathing out their kindness. Breathing in their brightness, breathing out their brightness, just to get some flexibility, space in our heart, in our way of being.
And now coming back, swapping places again. Coming back to your own presence, your own felt sense of the body. Breathing in, breathing out your own brightness, kindness from your heart center, goodwill, friendliness. Embodying this world, this life as you tend to do, this body as you do. This being who is me.
Appreciating your own being. This being who is me. This body, this life, this heart, my challenges, the way I’m stretched, my aspirations. Feeling into them. In-breath, out-breath with kindness, gentleness.
May there be appreciation, goodwill for the way that I am a friend to myself and others. Allowing your heart to rest in the goodness that there is. Goodness. Not a time to be critical. Release that if it’s coming up. Resting in the goodness. And there is always goodness.
The last part of this practice period, another invitation. If you wish, I can support expanding our heart a bit more. If you would, invite yourself to swap places with someone that you’ve had a bit of a challenge—not a number 10 on a scale of 1 to 10, but maybe a four or five. Someone you’ve had a bit of irritation or challenge with. Swap places, seeing the world through their eyes, their circumstances, their difficulties, how they see the world, expanding your heart.
Again, if it feels too challenging or too much of a stretch and you get triggered, come back. Come back to yourself, to your body, or your benefactor, your dear friend. But if it is possible, imagine inhabiting the world as them. The challenges they have, the limitations, the conditions, the way they think and see the world. All the experiences—genetic, educational, familial upbringing—and how perhaps you co-created the challenge, the difficulty together.
Putting oneself in the place of others. The foundation of ethical empathy. Stepping outside of ourself, out of our self being the center of the world. And for just a minute—not forever, just for a minute—entering somebody else’s world, reality, to expand our heart, expand our capacity. It doesn’t mean we’re going to condone the wrongdoing at all. Not about condoning the harm at all. But just to gain perspective for the freedom of our own heart.
And now letting that go. Coming back to your own heart, body, perspective. Wishing yourself well. Appreciating yourself for having done this practice. And if available, wishing this other person well, with whom you’ve had a bit of an entanglement. And of course, wishing your friend, benefactor, whom you brought in earlier, well with gratitude.
May my practice be a cause and condition for freedom, for well-being, for awakening of myself and all beings everywhere. May all beings be happy. May all beings know their own goodness, including myself. May I know my own goodness. May I flourish in my own goodness and kindness. May I be able to expand my heart for the benefit of all beings. May all beings be well. May all beings be happy.
Ding. Ding. Ding.
Thanks, everyone. Thanks for your practice. Pause for a moment.
Dear community, dear Sangha, I think you heard the bell. I hope. Anyway, that was my hope at the end of the practice, to do this toggle that’s needed to hear outside sounds, including bells and birdsong. It sounds like it did come through. Beautiful.
So, to continue today with our theme of Sangha, community. Oh yes, and two bells, both the church bell as well as my verbal bell because I don’t have my handy Tibetan bell with me.
So, we’re continuing with the theme of Sangha, community, kalyāṇamittatā, beautiful friendships as part of the path, as the entirety of the path. Not just a luxury, but 100% of the path, as the Buddha said, not 50% as Ānanda thought.
Yesterday we talked about friends of the heart, the helper, the enduring companion in times of happiness and sorrow, the good counsel, and the compassionate friend—the four different types of friend. We also talked about the upakāraka mitta, the friend, assistant companion who points out your faults with kindness, celebrates your progress, and reminds you of the dharma in challenging times.
Today I want to switch to the topic of putting oneself in the place of another. And that was an invitation that I brought into the guided meditation, to explore that, to try that on for size.
I want to cover a few different points today. One is that empathy is the foundation of ethical restraint. The Buddha teaches in the Nalaka Sutta4 that what is displeasing and disagreeable to me is likewise displeasing and disagreeable to others. Knowing this, one should not inflict it upon another.
In this teaching, the Buddha is teaching the principle of moral reciprocity. It’s a natural ethics based not on commandments—”thou shalt not”—but on a felt, embodied understanding. It also predates its parallel, which is the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you wish them to do unto you.” It’s a little more poetic than that, but essentially that’s the Golden Rule. So it’s not theoretical empathy, but it’s really embodied, moment-to-moment, felt-sense ethics. If it’s displeasing to you, if it’s disagreeable, it’s likewise difficult and disagreeable to others. Of course, it is.
In a similar vein, the Buddha teaches in the Dhammapada5 that “all tremble at violence, all fear death; comparing oneself with others, one should not harm or cause to harm.” It’s the same sense of the trembling of the heart that, wow, this is painful. All of us don’t want to be harmed. So again, this is the felt-sense basis of ethics.
There is modern research that suggests that we can literally feel another person’s pain if we allow ourselves. There are areas of the brain—and I’m not trying to be reductionistic or limit the wholeness of our experience to the firing of some neurons—but research supports that different areas of our brain which activate when we are in pain also activate when we witness another person’s pain, if we allow ourselves to. Specifically, the anterior insula and the anterior cingulate cortex activate during these empathetic experiences, feeling the pain of others as if it were our own. So, the Buddha’s call to ethical empathy is supported because we are able to feel somebody else’s pain and therefore not cause harm.
Another aspect of the teaching here is recognizing that self-love is a gateway to universal love. Self-love is so important. It’s not a luxury. It’s not selfish. It’s the foundation of universal love. In the Anguttara Nikaya6, the Buddha instructs that just as one is dear to oneself, so too are all beings dear to themselves. He says, “I am dear to myself, and so are others dear to themselves. Therefore, one who loves themself should not harm another.”
That’s powerful, right? “I am dear to myself, and so are others dear to themselves. Therefore, one who loves oneself should not harm another.” So love yourself. Love yourself deeply. Appreciate yourself. Be kind to yourself. And similarly, be kind to others, with kindness to ourselves as the foundation of kindness to others.
This teaching is so profound. I want to underline it some more. It bridges self-concern and universal ethics, showing that non-harming naturally arises from self-understanding, self-care, and self-love. The commentarial literature also emphasizes that this reflection softens the view of beings as “other.” This “othering” that we do, it softens that. Cultivating this way of being—loving ourselves and therefore loving others and not harming them—it reduces what’s called self-centeredness and conceit (māna7) instead of increasing it.
And of course, as many of you know and have been practicing mettā, especially during happy hour, this is the foundation of loving-kindness practice. Recognizing that all beings want happiness just as I do. Just as I want to be happy and not suffer, everybody else also wants to be happy and does not want to suffer.
Another teaching I want to bring in is on pre-action reflection to prevent harm. In the Udayi Sutta8, the Buddha teaches reflecting thus: “Would this be agreeable or disagreeable if done to me?” One should abstain from doing it if it would be disagreeable.
Isn’t that great? This is just taking it one notch higher. This is a really practical invitation. The Buddha is teaching that before any action towards others, one should internally check the ethical resonance of the action. It’s really feeling into it: Is this agreeable? Disagreeable? Would this be hurtful? Unhelpful? It’s this moment of pause that the Buddha is teaching. How beautiful is that?
This is an application of yoniso manasikāra9, wise attention. It shifts the mind from reactivity to reflection. The purpose of this is not passivity, of course, but compassionate clarity, so that we act with discernment and empathy rather than ego, projection, and reactivity. The practice of sati (mindfulness), which is the bread and butter of what we practice, essentially leads to being able to take that reflexive pause before action. To take that pause and ask, “Is this wise? Is this unwise? Is this going to cause harm?” This is what the Buddha advises.
I want to end with three reflective questions for today.
So today we’ve explored putting ourselves in the shoes of another, which is the basis of ethical restraint, ethical empathy, and ethical care—not in a heady way, but in a practical way. “Phew, how would it feel to me if somebody just opened their mouth and said something like this or did something like this? Do I want to do this?” Taking that mindful pause with yoniso manasikāra.
And again, self-love is the cornerstone of care, love, and ethical treatment for others. And look at that, we have bells today, right on time.
So thank you all for your practice. Thank you for your care, for your goodness. May your goodness, may your kindness, may your ethical care ring in all directions. Thanks, everyone. See you tomorrow.
Sangha: The community of practitioners. One of the Three Jewels of Buddhism, along with the Buddha (the teacher) and the Dharma (the teachings). ↩
Kalyāṇamittatā: A Pali term for “spiritual friendship” or “noble friendship.” It is considered a cornerstone of the Buddhist path. ↩
Mettā: A Pali word meaning loving-kindness, goodwill, or benevolence. It is a core Buddhist meditation practice. ↩
Nalaka Sutta (SN 55.7): A discourse from the Samyutta Nikaya (The Connected Discourses of the Buddha). The original transcript mentioned “Vama Suta in Samutan Nikica,” which appears to be a transcription error. This quote is widely attributed to the Nalaka Sutta. ↩
Dhammapada: A collection of sayings of the Buddha in verse form and one of the most widely read and best-known Buddhist scriptures. The quote is from verses 129-130. ↩
Anguttara Nikaya (AN 5.177): The “Numerical Discourses” of the Buddha. This teaching is from the Sacca Sutta. ↩
Māna: A Pali term for “conceit” or “pride.” It is considered one of the mental defilements (kilesas) that obstruct the path to enlightenment. ↩
Udayi Sutta (AN 8.53): A discourse from the Anguttara Nikaya. ↩
Yoniso manasikāra: A Pali term meaning “wise attention,” “wise reflection,” or “systematic attention.” It refers to paying attention to things in a way that leads to wisdom and liberation. ↩